ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
