why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
