Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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