What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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