I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
