ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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