you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
