Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
