a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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