Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
