Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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