I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
