I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
