if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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