So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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