Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
