Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
