I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
