Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
