I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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