ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
