Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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