I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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