I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
