and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
