R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
