im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
