for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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