i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
