I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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