it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
