I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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