question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
