Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
