I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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