i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
