Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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