Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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