The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
