We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
