How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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