Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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