My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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