No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
