Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
