so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
