She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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