Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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