I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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