Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
