my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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