I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
