Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
