He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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