i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
