too bad you live with your parents still
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
