Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
