Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
