So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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