I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sober January is a disaster.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
